These are some thoughts I shared with a friend who was struggling after her second child. I thought others might also find them encouraging.
#1 - PRAY
The number one thing I would remind a Christian parent is to pray for your children. My Mom told me once, "It is much easier to raise a child that has the Holy Spirit." If you have ever heard of the Christian comedian, Mark Lowry, he has a bit about his mother praying out loud when he started to misbehave (I think my Mom probably did that, too). One resource is "The Power of a Praying Parent" by Stormie O'Martian.
"I Have a Mother Who Prays"
Some have had kings in their lineage, Some to whom honor was paid.
I don't have those as my ancestors, But I have a mother who prays.
I have a mother who prays for me and pleads with the Lord every day for me.
Oh what a difference it makes for me, I have a mother who prays.
My mother's prayers cannot save, Only mine can avail;
But Mother introduced me to someone, someone who never could fail.
Oh yes...I have a mother who prays for me, And pleads with the Lord every day for me.
O what a difference it makes for me, I have a mother who prays.
~Author Unknown
Taken from "Being a Great Mom, Raising Great Kids" by Sharon Jaynes, pg 108
#2 - DON'T GIVE UP
My aunt who worked as a speech therapist in the school system her whole career told me once that many people fail with discipline because they do not understand this simple concept, "It gets worse before it gets better." Consistency is important, and just because they do not appear to be responding does not mean it is not working.
"When a miner heads into the mine looking for gold, he has to move tons of dirt to get just a little gold. But he doesn't go in looking for dirt...he's looking for gold. Every child has little nuggets of gold inside just waiting to be discovered, but there may be lots of dirt that has to be moved. Just remember, the more gold you look for, the more you will find." Lysa Terkeurst, Proverbs 31 Ministry (Quote found in "Being a Great Mom, Raising Great Kids" by Sharon Jaynes)
#3 - ENCOURAGE
"Feed the meter" is a phrase used in "Happiest Toddler on the Block" by Dr Harvey Karp. Before you sit down with the baby, spend a few minutes with the older child. Then, let him know you love him and what is going to happen next..."Mommy likes playing with you. Now Mommy needs to take care of the baby. Would you like to play with your trains or play with your puzzles?" They love choices!
Before you sit down with the baby, give him clear expectations, "I need you to obey and be kind while I feed the baby. Jesus helps us to be kind. If you obey, you may have a treat after the baby is fed." Maybe even go ahead and let them choose a treat and have it waiting as a reminder. I often have my son repeat back to me what I have told him so I know he understood. It is important to remember to follow through, so they don't think it's a scam.
"I have yet to find the man -- however exalted his station -- who did not do better work and put forth greater effort under a spirit of approval than under a spirit of criticism." Charles Schwab, Businessman (Quote found in "Being a Great Mom, Raising Great Kids" by Sharon Jaynes)
#4 - CORRECT
One form of this is "toddlerese." I learned about it from "Happiest Toddler on the Block" by Dr Harvey Karp. Basically when you need to handle misbehavior, you mimic their misbehavior in an effort to connect with them and show them you empathize. Then you explain why that is not okay, and tell them how they should behave instead. I used this a little, but also used other forms of correction such as time out, popping, etc. Honestly, it seems like the most effective methods are constantly changing as the child grows and changes. Something will work for a while, quit working, then work again later.
Here's one thing that seems not many people think of that was very effective with my toddler. If he was playing with a toy and started misbehaving, I put the toy in time out instead of the child. Somehow this communicated to him more clearly, and was not as big of a conflict. Put it on a shelf they cannot reach and set the timer on the microwave, make sure they understand what they did wrong. Then when it beeps, get it down and remind them why it was in time out and how they should behave correctly. Another method that has worked for me...when my son gets upset, I give him a hug and tell him it's okay to be upset, and I would like him to lay in his bed until he feels better. He will usually cooperate, because I am not trying to dominate his attitude or behavior, and I am affirming his feelings, but helping him understand there is an appropriate place to deal with those feelings and behaviors. After a few minutes he will come out cheerfully and tell me, "Mommy, I'm all better!"
#5 - GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK
This can take two forms. First, don't be afraid to take opportunities to get away from your kids for short periods of time. This is advice a lot of moms give, but few actually do (so maybe you just keep a stash of chocolate to boost yourself occasionally!). Another meaning for this is to simply understand you will not be a perfect parent and you will not have perfect kids, but if you love them, discipline them and teach them to trust Jesus, everything will turn out fine, even though we make mistakes. And don't be afraid to apologize to your kids, or admit you made a mistake to them, it is a good example.
"Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old he will not depart from it."
Proverbs 22:6
"Once I became a dad of twins, I noticed that parents around me had a different take on the power of nurture," writes Bryan Caplan in the Wall Street Journal. "I saw them turning parenthood into a chore - shuttling their kids to activities even the kids didn't enjoy, forbidding television, desperately trying to make their babies eat another spoonful of vegetables. Parents' main rationale is that they're sacrificing now to turn their kids into healthy, smart, successful, well-adjusted adults. But according to decades of research, their rationale is wrong. Parents should lighten up. I call it 'serenity parenting.' Focus on enjoying the journey with your child instead of trying to control his destination. Accept that your child's future depends mostly on him. Realize that the point of discipline is to make your kids treat people around him decently - not to mold him into a better adult." (Bryan Caplan is the author of "Selfish Reason to Have More Kids," Copied from Readers Digest, August 2011)
#6 - REFRESH
I recently started attending a mom's Bible study group, and it has really helped me a lot! I call it my mommy staff meeting. Mom's are honestly professionals whose jobs required an insane amount of patience, knowledge and skill (seriously...we are people who create and develop other people!!). Having a place to vent, get ideas and motivation is a great way to keep yourself and your family healthy.
"In my attempts to promote the comfort of my family, the quiet of my spirit has been disturbed. But, with every temptation there is a way of escape; there is never any need to sin. Another thing I have suffered loss from, -- entering into the business of the day without seeking to have my spirit quieted and directed. So many things press upon me [that] this is sometimes neglected; shame to me that it should be so. This is of great importance, to watch carefully, not to over-fatigue myself, because then I cannot contribute to the pleasure of others. A [calm] face and a gentle tone will make my family more happy than anything else I can do for them. Our own will gets sadly into the performance of our duties sometimes." Elizabeth T. King, 1856
"What exactly is a mom's job description? She's a wife, mother, friend, housekeeper, interior decorator, laundress, gourmet chef, short-order cook, chauffeur, painter, wallpaper hanger, seamstress, nurse, guidance counselor, internal affairs CEO, financial planner, travel agent, administrative assistant, disciplinarian, preacher, teacher, tutor, spiritual adviser, dietician, lecturer, librarian, fashion coordinator, private investigator, cheerleader, manicurist, pedicurist, landscaper, hair stylist, psychologist, plumber, computer programmer, automobile maintenance expert, referee, and gift purchasing agent for both sides of the family. She might not receive a salary, but the fringe benefits are invaluable: hugs, kisses, and buckets of love. And, she hopes, one day her child will call her blessed." (Sharon Jaynes, "Being a Great Mom, Raising Great Kids", pg 19)
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